For the last few months, I've been writing a post about what I thought to be my amazing engagement. Shortly after I got engaged B said, "I hope one day I may understand why you decided to say yes to marrying me." So from that day forward I wrote down one reason everyday why I wanted to marry him and I would post it the night before we got married. Well REALITY check, I'm no longer engaged, and it's becoming one of the hardest things for me to get over. I'm definitely in the fog waiting for the sun to come out and to feel the warmth of it on my face. I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I think about them so much I make myself sick. I'm struggling to eat. The one thing that use to bring me comfort I find myself choking down everyday, just praying I make it more than four bites.
On July 12th B and I put the wedding on hold, and this day I think I became numb to everything that was happening. I loved B so much I just wanted to fix everything so that eventually down the road if B fought hard enough we could get married. Leaving his house that day was one of the hardest things I think I have done in a long time. I didn't know when I was coming back and that frightened me. So I gave his mom a hug goodbye, thinking I would be back soon, but not knowing I would never be back. I should have held on just a little longer that day. Then as B walked me out, I was unsure of what was going to come from him that day. Luckily he decided to give me a hug and he pulled me in and I just cried, not knowing what was becoming of us. I was scared the second I left he would push me out of his life, but I was hopeful from our previous conversation that everything was going to be ok and we were going to make it work. Unfortunately the call on July 16th proved my frightening thoughts, I in fact, was never going to see B again. He had no fight, we were done. I just wanted to reach through the phone and shake him and make him see the big mistake he was making. Take him back to the day when he was laying next to me and I was having trouble with an ex-boyfriend when B said, "Chelsea if it came down to it I would fight for you." The feeling I felt after he said that about fighting for me that day was no longer a protection I felt from him. The things I felt that he promised me the day we were engaged no longer felt relevant. In relationships, I've noticed that people like to be able to say they were the one to break it off. But today, I am proud to say that I'm not the one who called our wedding off, yes I wanted to take a minute and make things better, but not for a second did I think that I was not getting married to B. I never gave up.
B hoped we could continue being friends but when I was on the phone with him that day that seemed impossible for me. I was past the friend point with B, I had a hard time not calling him babe, or telling him I loved him. So for once on a phone call instead of telling him see ya, I said goodbye. I meant for good as well. I can't emotionally handle having him here at my side as a friend, at least for now. But one day I gave in my emotions got the best of me, I text him just checking up making sure everything was ok. I was so mad at myself this situation is so backwards. I have every right to be the mad one and walk away not even feeling touched by pain from this situation, but pain is right here. It's a constant companion that I wish I could ditch.
Ever since that day with B, I've had a feeling that one day he will realize he is making a mistake and he will come back fighting. That his family will tell him he is dumb and everything will click for B, that he will want me. That B will realize the amount of effort I put into this relationship, and want that in his life. That B would see every decision I made I made it with him in mind. My emotions of just wanting him were winning in my head. That one day he would surprise me after work and be waiting outside with flowers and a hug. That one day he would text me just wanting to know how I was doing. To have him ask if there was anything he could do. To have him finally be like ok I truly do care for you and I want to get you through this part of your life. That he would quit running away from problems, and have the hard conversations with me. To let his pride step out of the road and not be embarrassed because I was past the things that had happened, and I just wanted to make things work. In my head my emotions were giving me too much hope.
Today is the first day since I found out B and I were never getting married that I just logically hate him. I logically don't want him in my life. Logically I deserve someone to come fighting for me. I deserve someone who loves me. I deserve a relationship that when I look back it doesn't feel like it was all a lie. I deserve someone who I truly believes they care for me after their mistakes. I deserve someone to never do the things that were done to me. I deserve someone who wouldn't put me in the situations I continually tried to keep us out of. I deserve someone who will put me first. I deserve someone to honor their priesthood and to have that in our home for our protection. I deserve a temple marriage that will actually be approved of in more than this life. I deserve someone that will keep promises. I deserve someone who continually strengthens our relationship and doesn't set us back. I deserve someone who loves me for me. I deserve someone who all they do is think about me. I deserve someone who wants to make me happy. I deserve someone who will want to be honest with me despite the pain that may come from it or the embarrassment it brings to them. I deserve someone who wants to get old with me. I deserve someone who can't imagine a day without me. I deserve someone who I don't have to feel like if I'm not giving certain things to them that they aren't looking somewhere else for it. I deserve someone who doesn't make me question actions after marriage. I deserve someone who wants to start a family with me. I deserve someone who doesn't give up.
Despite all of my logical hate, how come my emotions are winning. I look at the list reasons of why I wanted to marry B and all of those reasons still apply. I don't want to want him anymore. I want my logic to win just to stop all the pain. I want to get over him, because he is clearly over me. I want to finally feel like I should give up. I want to feel that it's ok not to be his friend, because he will come back if he wants. I want to quit hoping for his return. I want to quit getting heart broken seeing his name. I want to quit bringing him up in every conversation I have with people. I want to quit loving him because of the mere fact that he is done with me. I want to give up. I want to take the easy way out. But I don't want Satan to win. My Dad told me of a piece of the conversation he had with B when he went to ask for my Dad's blessing in our marriage. My Dad mentioned,"B I don't give advice but I will tell you this, Satan will try and tempt you to split up this marriage because it's one of the things he can't have in his life, so be careful and avoid the temptations." Well sadly Satan you win, but one day I promise you will not win.
So here is to hoping for the fog to clear someday, that I may find that person I deserve someday, or that B will come back fighting. Whatever the result is I just need to keep remembering the Lord never downgrades, he only upgrades, so something amazing will come from this situation.