Friday, July 26, 2013

Logic vs.Emotion

          For the last few months, I've been writing a post about what I thought to be my amazing engagement. Shortly after I got engaged B said, "I hope one day I may understand why you decided to say yes to marrying me." So from that day forward I wrote down one reason everyday why I wanted to marry him and I would post it the night before we got married.  Well REALITY check, I'm no longer engaged, and it's becoming one of the hardest things for me to get over. I'm definitely in the fog waiting for the sun to come out and to feel the warmth of it on my face. I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I think about them so much I make myself sick. I'm struggling to eat. The one thing that use to bring me comfort I find myself choking down everyday, just praying I make it more than four bites.

           On July 12th B and I put the wedding on hold, and this day I think I became numb to everything that was happening. I loved B so much I just wanted to fix everything so that eventually down the road if B fought hard enough we could get married. Leaving his house that day was one of the hardest things  I think I have done in a long time. I didn't know when I was coming back and that frightened me. So I gave his mom a hug goodbye, thinking I would be back soon, but not knowing I would never be back. I should have held on just a little longer that day. Then as B walked me out, I was unsure of what was going to come from him that day. Luckily he decided to give me a hug and he pulled me in and I just cried, not knowing what was becoming of us. I was scared the second I left he would push me out of his life, but I was hopeful from our previous conversation that everything was going to be ok and we were going to make it work. Unfortunately the call on July 16th proved my frightening thoughts, I in fact, was never going to see B again. He had no fight, we were done. I just wanted to reach through the phone and shake him and make him see the big mistake he was making. Take him back to the day when he was laying next to me and I was having trouble with an ex-boyfriend when B said, "Chelsea if it came down to it I would fight for you." The feeling I felt after he said that about fighting for me that day was no longer a protection I felt from him. The things I felt that he promised me the day we were engaged no longer felt relevant. In relationships, I've noticed that people like to be able to say they were the one to break it off. But today,  I am proud to say that I'm not the one who called our wedding off, yes I wanted to take a minute and make things better, but not for a second did I think that I was not getting married to B. I never gave up.

           B hoped we could continue being friends but when I was on the phone with him that day that seemed impossible for me. I was past the friend point with B, I had a hard time not calling him babe, or telling him I loved him. So for once on a phone call instead of telling him see ya, I said goodbye. I meant for good as well. I can't emotionally handle having him here at my side as a friend, at least for now. But one day I gave in my emotions got the best of me, I text him just checking up making sure everything was ok. I was so mad at myself this situation is so backwards. I have every right to be the mad one and walk away not even feeling touched by pain from this situation, but pain is right here. It's a constant companion that I wish I could ditch.

          Ever since that day with B, I've had a feeling that one day he will realize he is making a mistake and he will come back fighting. That his family will tell him he is dumb and everything will click for B, that he will want me. That B will realize the amount of effort I put into this relationship, and want that in his life. That B would see every decision I made I made it with him in mind. My emotions of just wanting him were winning in my head. That one day he would surprise me after work and be waiting outside with flowers and a hug. That one day he would text me just wanting to know how I was doing. To have him ask if there was anything he could do. To have him finally be like ok I truly do care for you and I want to get you through this part of your life. That he would quit running away from problems, and have the hard conversations with me. To let his pride step out of the road and not be embarrassed because I was past the things that had happened, and I just wanted to make things work. In my head my emotions were giving me too much hope.

           Today is the first day since I found out B and I were never getting married that I just logically hate him. I logically don't want him in my life. Logically I deserve someone to come fighting for me. I deserve someone who loves me. I deserve a relationship that when I look back it doesn't feel like it was all a lie. I deserve someone who I truly believes they care for me after their mistakes. I deserve someone to never do the things that were done to me. I deserve someone who wouldn't put me in the situations I continually tried to keep us out of. I deserve someone who will put me first. I deserve someone to honor their priesthood and to have that in our home for our protection. I deserve a temple marriage that will actually be approved of in more than this life. I deserve someone that will keep promises. I deserve someone who continually strengthens our relationship and doesn't set us back. I deserve someone who loves me for me. I deserve someone who all they do is think about me. I deserve someone who wants to make me happy. I deserve someone who will want to be honest with me despite the pain that may come from it or the embarrassment it brings to them. I deserve someone who wants to get old with me. I deserve someone who can't imagine a day without me. I deserve someone who I don't have to feel like if I'm not giving certain things to them that they aren't looking somewhere else for it. I deserve someone who doesn't make me question actions after marriage. I deserve someone who wants to start a family with me. I deserve someone who doesn't give up.

           Despite all of my logical hate, how come my emotions are winning. I look at the list reasons of why I wanted to marry B and all of those reasons still apply. I don't want to want him anymore. I want my logic to win just to stop all the pain. I want to get over him, because he is clearly over me. I want to finally feel like I should give up. I want to feel that it's ok not to be his friend, because he will come back if he wants. I want to quit hoping for his return. I want to quit getting heart broken seeing his name. I want to quit bringing him up in every conversation I have with people. I want to quit loving him because of the mere fact that he is done with me. I want to give up. I want to take the easy way out. But I don't want Satan to win. My Dad told me of a piece of the conversation he had with B when he went to ask for my Dad's blessing in our marriage. My Dad mentioned,"B I don't give advice but I will tell you this, Satan will try and tempt you to split up this marriage because it's one of the things he can't have in his life, so be careful and avoid the temptations." Well sadly Satan you win, but one day I promise you will not win.

           So here is to hoping for the fog to clear someday, that I may find that person I deserve someday, or that B will come back fighting. Whatever the result is I just need to keep remembering the Lord never downgrades, he only upgrades, so something amazing will come from this situation.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Stuck in the Fog… Staring in the Mirror…



Ever looked in the Mirror and have seen this? I finally had my moment when I look at myself and have no idea who I am. This moment was not for a short second, it was for a long time. My head has never felt this confused in my whole entire life. I have always been one to solve problems on my own, and I have my own way of coping with things, which I recently have found out are all the wrong ways.

Tonight as I was pondering how my life felt as if it was back in the fog, I thought to a GLORIOUS day, when the fog cleared for me. Then I realized it had been way too long since my last post. Thank goodness for this FOG. My last post although it was probably not strong to anyone but myself. I really needed it today. I am so thankful I took the time that day to write how I was feeling. I have always thought my blog would not have impact on anyone and that my words were merely nothing beautiful or of worth. But today, In conversation with an AMAZING friend, she told me I need to start standing up for myself and seeing my worth. So if your reading… This is for you!! My posts from here on out will have meaning to a fraction of people. But they will always be the beatings of my heart, and touch that close to home. Whether in the fog, or not, I will look back and be grateful for every trial, every “clearing”, and everything in between.

Let’s be honest… Every person loves ringing in the new year, with setting goals, soon to be broken, but most of all looking back and reflecting on the year that just closed behind us. I cannot begin to describe the year that I just went through. I will tell you though it was the hardest yet of my 20 years of life. And I do believe that it is not the hardest one to come either. I believe that this trial was given to me to strengthen me for the rest to come. We can just say this year was full of mistakes for me, but with these mistakes I learned beautiful lessons. I learned to LOVE, to Forgive, to Shut out the world “which isn’t always the best idea”, to lose myself as a person, to REBUILD, to move on, and to CONQUER. In all of this I thought I had to handle it myself. Someone really smart showed me I don’t have to do this, and in finding my lovely fog, I realized the number one most important thing I missed in the Equation all along.

If you can recall from my previous post, which is fine if you can’t, because honestly it was like five months ago, It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I was sitting in Sacrament. I believe that moment, was for me right now in this point of life. To look back and see how much the Lord loves me. That he is always there for me. Through thick and thin. I think that the arms I felt around me that day, were for today, to realize that he loves me no matter what I do. He wants me back and that I would return to him someday.

So here is to the “NEW YEAR.” I hope in 2013 when I look back, I see a strong person, who isn’t scared, who loves with all her heart, and who has moved on in her life to bigger and better things. 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Bright Shining Moment

Many times in life it feels as though you staring into the fog. I feel as though I am always waiting to see the sun, and for everything to be clear. The more I focus the foggier it gets. When unexpectedly you stop focusing on the fog and just trust in the Lord things become clear.

These are the times in life worth living for! It is an amazing feeling to see the moment of clear. When everything feels ok and there is no more need to worry.

On July second and a very sunny clear day I was sitting in Sacrament meeting, and of course, it was fast Sunday. Listening to the beautiful testimonies of other people always strengthen mine, but today I was in a ZONE of just focusing within on my own testimony. This past year has brought many more people and things into my life. And at this moment in time I have realized how far my testimony has grown and yet I have not shared it with anyone.

For some reason as this thought passed through my head I saw the fog clearing and invisible loving arms wrapped around me and I could feel the love of someone’s presence. Tears came to my eyes and I felt this huge burden, that I didn’t know I had, be lifted from my shoulders. But to this day I have no idea what the fog was about, nor when it set in. You may be thinking, Did you share your testimony? The answer is no…. Sadly… As  I came out of my Zone….. Time was up and we were preparing for the song. As to where my thoughts and time had gone through all this I cannot tell you what happened.. But I do know my fear probably would have never permitted me to go up to the front and proclaim my knowledge of this gospel. But for the minimum people who follow my blog…. Here is my testimony and I hope that in some way, even if minimal, that it may strengthen your Testimony, and help you through the moments of Fog, that you may push through to see the beautiful moment when everything clears up and you feel the Sun touch your cheek.

I KNOW that The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints is the true church and is the only true church upon the face of the earth today. President Thomas S. Monson is the living prophet today and  he leads and guides the church through the hands and works of Heavenly Father. I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet and brought about this gospel for these days, and he went through many trials and tribulations to get the gospel here for us. I know that the Lord had a plan for me, and sent me here with many talents and gifts so that I may help him bring about the work of this gospel.

I’m thankful for the blessings of the atonement, and I am sorry but more importantly grateful that Jesus Christ went through that pain for mine and many others mistakes so that someday I may become perfect as him. That I may live with my family again. Also I am thankful for the blessings of the priesthood, and my amazing father who is a worthy holder. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and gain as much knowledge as I can in this life so that I can return with a better understanding of my plan in life. I am so grateful for the family unit, with being out of the house for a couple of years I have come to notice how important they are in my life. I am thankful for our trials and our ability to come through the fog and to see the clear, and grow from our trials. I’m so thankful for my parents and their encouragement throughout the years. I definitely would not be in the place that I am today with out their great examples. For my mom and the great example she has given me so that I may be ready for motherhood whenever that comes in my life. My dad for his strong testimony, and his ability to work hard. I am also grateful for my siblings and the things they teach me on a daily basis. I’m thankful for my patriarchal blessing and the outlook it gives me every time I time I turn to it in need of encouragement or direction. I am thankful for the knowledge of the gospel and the calmness that it gives me, that I always have someone with me and on my side.

I say this things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

 

*Just remember above the fog there is a clearing filled with light just waiting to be shown.*

Monday, October 11, 2010

Comfort of Touch

      hh

 

     As a little girl I remember sitting in my car seat and asking my mom to hold my hand. Even though I was crying and probably tired, the touch of a mothers hand immediately comforted me. Although now I see with my niece, It is not so comforting for the mother to have her arm twisted around the seat.

       Now as I have grown up, I still find comfort in touch. The touch of a genuine hug lights up my day. Being held close and feeling the love of another is such an amazing gift. Even the touch of holding a hand, that I enjoyed when I was so young still brings about a smile on my face.  The thought of being left without these gifts of touch would be devastating and heart wrenching. Because the gift of touch to me is the best way for you to show love to one another. I will always have a longing for this touch!!

      I cannot even imagine being a kid without the touch and love of anyone. So today my attitude of gratitude goes out to anyone who has loved me in my life. Thank you for letting me feel so LOVED!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

To New Beginnings


        Throughout my life, I haven’t really been the one to go out of my way to find something new and out of the ordinary to do. I have been pretty shy and don’t really like to show people I am not perfect at everything. Something new for me is hard to do, and usually find myself backing out of it some how.
        But recently I have had the opportunity to move away from everything that is comfortable and common to me to experience new things. Even though at moments I find myself thinking, “What was I thinking. or even Why does everything new not stick.” I am grateful for my decision to put my neck out and try things.
        Moving to St.George is a major blessing for me. I have never really been around my sister Tana throughout my life, because of our ages. When I was little and she lived at home we didn’t necessarily have the best relationship. She was older then me and I am sure I was just the little tag along. I don’t really have many memories with her in my childhood, because I roughly don’t remember much from my childhood. But over the past few years we have become close and I have acquired many fond memories with her.
        Tana is truly an amazing person in my life. Living with her the past month has taught me so many things I would of never learned in a life time if it wasn’t for her. She is such a strong person, in many ways ranging from spiritually, to mentally, or even physically. She is going through trials in her life I hope to never experience, but even though she has these trials she seems to find positive things to keep her head up. I don’t think I could be as strong as her right now. Somewhere long before now I would have thrown in the towel. But thanks to her she has shown me to never give up on something you believe in. She has such a strong testimony, seeing her, and listening to things she says helps strengthen my testimony so much, and at the same time shows me how much work i have. I hope I some how can repay her and help her in ways she has helped me. Not to mention I hope now I am more then just the tag along little sister. Thank you Tana. I love you! and I hope things turn around quickly for you! I see your rainbow in the meadow ahead of us!
        Not only do I have a sister down there with me, my brother and sister-in-law live approximately ten minutes away from us. My big brother Anthony looks out for me!! I love him to death. He teaches me to do the things that I want to. He listens to the things that worry me and somehow seems to have the perfect thing to say. For some reason I think he has tabs on my brain, because when I am feel like i am struggling with something, he always seems to ask me about it. And yet assures me everything will be ok. The cool thing about him is he is always teaching me things. And seems like he really likes hanging out with me, since he is constantly telling me to put my phone down at the table, or even saying, “Is present company not good enough?” He always seems to invite me on his adventures. He is so talented in the things that he does, it makes me envy them and I want to follow in his footsteps. Then there is Megan in the same household. She is always looking out for me too. Before I moved to St.George she was constantly helping me look for jobs, and I am deeply appreciative of that. She also seems to care of how I am, always asking me “How was work today?” I know I may seem quiet to the two of them, but I really do enjoy there presence and look up to them so much.
       My new job at the hospital is so good. This amazing opportunity opened up for me because of my amazing sister. Good think I rocked my interview (which was a new nerve racking beginning for me) and scored the job. The people I work with are so much fun. I don’t think a day goes by there that I am not laughing. It was a hard situation to adjust to at first. Everything they taught me seemed to come pretty easy, although it struggled to stick. I find myself asking a lot of the same questions. You think I would just write it down, but I don’t, so yet again I feel like a fool asking the question again. One day for new beginnings I will write it down. 
      Because of the new job in St. George, it required me to move. Which at first intimidated me. Thoughts went through my head of will i find friends,! Will I do ok at my new job? Will the people I work with like me? Will my sister get sick of me? Can I afford to live down there? Will I miss my friends at Snow? Can I handle a new start? Thanks to Tana she made me feel really welcomed. As for the friends, it is still a work in progress. The job seems to be coming pretty good. And hopefully the people I work with like me. As for affording things Tana makes it really easy to afford it. I wish she would let me help pay a little more for living down there! I do really miss my friends from snow, but its not like I can’t visit. Snow is only forty~five minutes away from my home. They have taught me so much but it is time to move on and find new examples, but yet keep their friendships for a life time. As for the new start I am loving it, and am enjoying St.George and being with my sister. So here is to enjoying this New Beginning in my life!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Well Go Get Your Shovel!

over
  
This year for Brooke, Mishaelle, and my birthdays our awesome sister Tana gave us tickets to Paramore’s concert. It was such a fun day being with my sisters and just being able to relax. Especially since I pretty much had just got out of school, I definitely needed something for myself just to relax and have fun after finals. We had fun hitting up the mall a little before we headed to the concert and we planned to go to the Salt Lake Temple to see the tulips, but the rain put a little damper on our day. But in the end all of the head banging, dancing, and screaming till our throats couldn’t take anymore rocked our world!!


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Airplanes!!

stars
The recent finding of a song I love says,
“Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)”
is the inspiration for this post. In my life right now I find myself wishing for things even if they are a few years down the road. Here are a few.
I WISH:
  • To find the person I love and be married in the temple.
  • To have kids and see them grow up into wonderful people.
  • To get my education with not too much grief.
  • To know where I want to go with my life education wise.
  • Leave a great impression on peoples lives while alive or dead.
  • To help someone become the best they can be.
  • To grow old with the one I love.
  • To see all of my family happy while together.
  • To marry a return missionary
  • That my family members trials will be easy for them to overcome.
  • That I will never cause anyone a crazy amount of pain.
  • That I can put a smile on someone’s face everyday.
  • That I can do the right things each day.
  • That I can fix the friendships I have lost.
  • That my life will mean more then just another life.
  • That I can share my talents correctly.
  • That I accomplish the things I was truly sent here to do.
  • And many others.